


Words That We Couldn't Say

by AceQueenKing



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Forbidden Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2015-06-07
Packaged: 2018-04-03 06:01:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4089658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceQueenKing/pseuds/AceQueenKing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The night before Ilos, Kaidan told Shepard what they had could only last one night.</p><p>But now that Saren’s gone, Kaidan realizes he isn't ready for the relationship to end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Words That We Couldn't Say

He sees her and, before he can stop himself, he runs to her.

“So, does our commander have a clean bill of health?” He says, falling into line behind Shepard as easily as ever.

She looks at him oddly, then nods.

And when she does, he knows that was a mistake.

He’s approaches her a bit too quickly to be friendly. He practically makes a beeline for her as soon as he sees her leave the medbay.

But he doesn’t care that it’s a risk, that someone might see.

Because there is something here.

He’s known it ever since he saw her fall under the reaper debris.

There’s something about that moment – the way his heart clenched in his chest as he screamed her name – that he doesn’t quite want to think about. There’s something about how it hurt, in those few seconds when he had thought she was dead.

Shepard, as always, betrays nothing. She makes an alliance hand signal quickly and covertly – _on point_ – and he follows her, without question.

She heads up to the Captain’s quarters, to privacy.

And something in her guarded posture tells him that maybe the strict Alliance regulations were in place for a reason.

And he can’t help but feel his heart break, especially knowing that she didn’t regret their night together.

Because he knows the tightness he’s felt burning in his chest since she threw off that reaper garbage and stood, so proud and strong… It has nothing to do with pride.

It has to do with love.

Or at least, he thinks its love.

She smiles and holds up her hand, absent of any medbay omni-bracelet. And she’s beautiful – those big green eyes, the short black hair, her caramel-glazed skin, her dazzling smile. She’s so beautiful that he’s actually distracted by it, and spends just a few seconds too long staring at her.

For someone who has spent their entire career striving not to be seen, she is stunning.

The door closes.

“You okay, Kaidan?” She breaks the silence as she very carefully puts her hand on his arm. Even in private, her actions are conservative – her touch is light, close but…not too close.

It hurts.

He’s never been in love before, but all he can think of is how much he wants to tell her.

He’s been in puppy love before – Rhana – but he’s never contemplated a life partner, and that’s just what Shepard could be.

He’s met a few women he would kill for, but Shepard is the first woman he’s considered living for.

“Yeah,” he lies. “Clean bill of health.”

“I see.” Her hand skims lower as the lock seals – a bit reckless, but he doubts anyone is alert enough to pay attention.

And they’re alone, now.

“I was wondering if…. we were OK,” she says, and his stomach churns.

He promised her last night wouldn’t change anything.

But it did.  
  
“Yeah,” he says, and his hand closes around her wrist. “We’re fine.”

But they’re not, not really. Because there’s so much more he wants to say and so little that he feels actually capable of saying.

She’s silent for a long moment. Her hand strokes down his arm, just once – then withdraws.

Then She looks up at him, and even with Shepard’s amazing poker face, he thinks she looks almost disappointed.

He feels the knife twist in his heart as she leans up against her table. It brings back vivid memories of last night. Too many memories.

He aches to tell her that they are making a mistake now, that he loves her. That this isn’t a one time thing.

But he doesn’t.

“You can’t be doing things like this, Kaidan.” She takes a step back. “You said this wasn’t going to change anything.”

“Yeah,” He winces. “Sorry.”

There was a time he believed that.

But now, all he can think of as she turns away and opens the door is how he’ll never see this beautiful, amazing woman again.

“You better go," she whispers. “Before people notice.”

He nods, takes a step toward the door.

“Shepard, if you…”

“Yeah.” She says. “Kaidan, if you ever…want to talk…”

“Yeah.” He turns around and deliberately caresses her shoulder as he takes a step out the door. “Might take you up on that, Shepard.”

“Good.” She says. Her eyes are hard, jaw set; Commander Shepard mask fully back into place.

The door closes in his face.

He wants to pound down her door, scream he loves her, but it wouldn’t change anything.

They’re lifers, after all.

His eyes water as he walks away.

He doesn’t get far.

“Lieutenant!” Chakwas pounces on him five steps from Shepard’s office.

“Hey Doc.” He smiles.

It does nothing to appease Chakwas, whose expression suggests nothing so much as an angry god.

“Please explain to me, Lieutenant, how you went through a relay in nothing more than a damn mako, took out an army of Geth, killed Saren, and toppled a reaper yet somehow forgot to get your implants checked.”

“Sorry, doc Something came up and…”

“Even Shepard came to see me before you, Kaidan.” She raises an eyebrow. “ _Shepard_.”

He chuckles, then swallows.

“Come on.” Chakwas pulls on his wrist, and leads him off to the medbay.

He acquiesces. The less they talk about Shepard the better; he’s not sure how good his poker face is.

Chakwas doesn’t go for the kill until she examines his implants.

“So, you and Shepard?”

“She’s a hell of a captain.”

“Don’t lie to me.” Chakwas looks away. “Someone raided my no questions asked medical cabinet for condoms, and I’m sure it was you.”

He says nothing and fights to keep his face from incriminating him.

“Relax. I’m not going to report you. I was young once.” He looks at her, and, to his relief, she has an amused smile on her face. “But…Be careful, lieutenant.”

“Don’t think you have to worry about it,” He said. “One time only, doc.”

“Ah. I’m sorry, Kaidan.” Chakwas says.

“Me too, Doc. Me too.”

They won today.

But this doesn’t feel like victory.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for **cullenismybae ******for a word prompt meme on tumblr.
> 
>  
> 
> **The prompt word was Mamihlapinatapei - The look between two people in which each loves the other but is too afraid to make the first move. Obviously I took a bit of liberty with that - but I hope you like this interpretation of their first move toward a relationship.**
> 
>  
> 
> **The fic title comes from this song.**


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